I am who they call the Empress of Fall — a title I gave myself after purchasing approximately 300 plastic gourds from a basement Michael’s.

And as autumn approaches, here is my warning: if you dare to drink a cup of hot coffee before Friday, Sept. 22, 2017, I will absolutely erase you from my life.

Nothing matters more to me than this.

As temperatures drop by only a few degrees in my particular region of the U.S., I have borne witness to a number of incidents that have shaken me to my core. It appears that some people returned home from their Labor Day trips with the curious idea that it is time to suck down the hot bean water. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It is actually time to suck down the cold bean water. …

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